


daylight dissolving

by smartlike



Category: Popslash
Genre: M/M, RPF, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartlike/pseuds/smartlike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And that was the truth, that simple. When it came to Justin, Chris always knew for sure-- when Justin was a crushed-out kid, when he was Chris's best friend and especially when they started dating. Chris always knew what to do and how. When Justin said he wanted a break, Chris knew-- give it to him, let him do his thing and Chris would have fun while he waited. But, after awhile, it wasn't really fun. In fact, the prolonged break was starting to feel like torture. He knew Justin was just waiting for the right time to break up and that this road trip would be it.<br/>--<br/><i>Romance of it all was overwhelming<br/>daylight of itself dissolving and of course it rained.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	daylight dissolving

**Author's Note:**

> For callmesandy's Sweet Teddy B Does the Twist Challenge. Thanks to k, kel. and k8 for the betas. Title via Ted Berrigan.
> 
>  Originally posted http://www.obsessivetendencies.net/pmp/roadtrip.html

**mile zero**

"Seriously, I don't think this is enough stuff." JC handed Chris his duffel and they started walking towards the car. They'd both been at Justin's last show, but JC got to take a plane home like a normal person. Not that Chris liked planes, but he was still a little jealous.

"It's enough. We'll be on the road for, like, two days before Justin gets bored of the whole idea." Chris spotted two girls walking in their direction and held his hand out to stop JC mid step. They tipped their heads down a little and Chris felt JC sigh when the girls crossed the street.

"He's not gonna get bored, man. He's got something to prove." JC looked over at him and Chris didn't meet his eyes.

"He just wants to break up. I don't know why we have to go through this whole charade." Chris did know, actually. It was typical Justin, careful and sweet in a twisted way that Chris could see the psychobabble behind, but he was feeling contrary.

"I don't know what you're talking about." JC stopped and leaned against the side of the car. "He didn't say anything to me about breaking up. He's all excited."

Chris shifted his weight and dropped his bag on the sidewalk. "We're breaking up. Were you at Challenge? Have you been around at all for the last five months?" JC frowned and Chris waved it away. "No, you have. Justin maybe just wanted a break at first, and you know, I wasn't gonna begrudge him his superstar time. Gotta fuck the pretty people while you're young."

"Chris, that's not--" JC ran his hand through his hair, pulling at the ends of a strand that was slightly longer than the rest. Chris rolled his eyes and JC dropped the issue. "Still, I think you're wrong."

"I'm not. It's Justin. I'm not wrong." Chris turned away from JC's pursed lips and walked to the door, climbing inside. 

And that was the truth, that simple. When it came to Justin, Chris always knew for sure-- when Justin was a crushed-out kid, when he was Chris's best friend and especially when they started dating. Chris always knew what to do and how. When Justin said he wanted a break, Chris knew-- give it to him, let him do his thing and Chris would have fun while he waited. But, after awhile, it wasn't really fun. In fact, the prolonged break was starting to feel like torture. He knew Justin was just waiting for the right time to break up and that this road trip would be it.

"C?"

JC walked over and stood next to the open door. "Yeah?"

"It's weird, okay? I know Justin better than most anyone. And since we've been on this break, I feel like I know him less every day." JC reached over and patted Chris's arm. Chris laughed, only a little bitter. "It's weird and I hate it and I'm sick of feeling like nothing's right. I just wanna get on with the broken heart."

JC pulled his hand back and Chris wasn't sure JC's lips would ever recover from that frown. Chris felt bad, but there wasn't anything he could do. He wasn't a lot of fun to be around, hadn't been in awhile and didn't plan to be until this was over and he could spend a week wandering around his house in dirty boxers, drinking tequila with his cereal. Then life could go back to normal; Justin could go back to normal. Chris figured normal would be worth even JC's perma-frown. 

Still, Chris finished buckling his seat belt and attempted a smile. JC didn't smile back, but he said, "either way, I don't think you have enough stuff."

"I'm good." Chris stretched his legs out and nodded as Dre climbed into the seat next to him. "Let's get out of here."

JC sighed as Chris closed the door. Chris just shrugged. JC stuck his hand in the open window. "You're gonna be on the road for awhile."

"Well, I'll buy shit. Isn't that the perk of being rich? When your best ex on-a-break boyfriend bandmate person decides to force you on a road trip, you can buy new stuff along the way? Also, the bag holds more than you'd think." Chris hit the button to make the window go up and laughed as JC pulled his hand away quickly and rolled his eyes.

"Have fun" was the last thing Chris heard before the window closed and he was on his way to meet Justin at his hotel. He tipped his head back and groaned. "Fun."

There was no answer, so Chris opened one eye. Dre was studiously not laughing.

"Fuck off. You don't have to drive with him."

"Nope."

Chris closed his eye again and thought about groaning, but didn't actually do it until his cell phone rang. "Fuck." He glanced at the display. Justin. Of course. "Hey."

"Where are you? I thought we were leaving at ten?" Chris could practically hear Justin's sneakers bouncing against the pavement.

"Why are you even up at ten? It's the day after a tour, you're supposed to sleep for at least two straight days."

"I just figured we should get an early start. Man, you could have said you wanted to wait."

Chris snorted. "Like the way I said I didn't want to go at all? 'Cause that worked well." Chris dug around in his bag until he found a pack of gum. He unwrapped a piece and shoved it in his mouth. Cinnamon and he wrinkled his nose, but kept chewing.

"Fine, you don't want to go, we'll call it off. I thought it'd be fun. We haven't spent time together in ages and I miss you, but whatever." Justin's voice was perfectly flat in the way that meant he was trying not to whine. "Tell Dre to get you on a pla--"

"Justin. It's fine. I want to go. I'll be there in five." Chris smacked his gum before he hung up. 

It was always easier to just go along. And really, no matter how much he complained beforehand, Chris knew it probably would be fun. Which was part of the problem, maybe. He'd have fun, because it was Justin and Chris could probably count all the times that hanging out with Justin hadn't been fun on one hand. Chris watched the city go by, frowned at a man in a torn t-shirt shoving a paper cup at some teenagers in front of a Starbucks. The thing was that all the fun, all the reestablishing of whatever it was they had, it was just leading to shit. 'Cause Justin would have proved that they could indeed be friends and he could go ahead and break up with Chris for real. And Chris completely believed that would be better than how things were now, he did. But it still covered the whole trip with a blanket of clouds.

When they pulled up to the back entrance of the hotel, Justin was indeed bouncing around on the sidewalk. Chris swallowed his gum and blinked at the way the sun reflected off Justin's white tank top. Justin was skinnier than he should be, pale, but he laughed at something Trace said and his head tipped back with it, his neck long and inviting. Chris sighed. Fun. Definitely fun. He opened the door and stepped out of the car and he was pretty sure he heard Dre laughing this time.

"You're here." Justin bounced over to Chris and really, there was no excuse for that kind of energy, so Chris just nodded. "Cool. Let's load up."

Chris looked to where Justin was pointing. "Dude, no way."

"What?" Justin looked at the silver Escalade and then back at Chris.

"We can't take a road trip in a fucking silver Escalade, J. Does 'inconspicuous' mean anything to you?"

"Fuck, we already have to travel with bodyguards. We may as well be comfortable and this is outfitted perfectly. Plus, plenty of space for our stuff." 

Chris bit his lip. "How'd you even get it here? Did you hire someone to drive your car all the way from LA?" Chris smirked when Justin blushed a little. "Superstar's get all the perks." Justin shrugged and Chris let it go. At least the Escalade had a great stereo system.

Justin held out his hand. "Your bags?"

Dre was already loading in Chris's golf bag, so Chris handed Justin his duffel. Justin took it and tossed it in the back of the car, SUV, monster bling on wheels, whatever. Chris shook his head and moved to walk around to the passenger side door.

"That's it?" Chris looked back. Justin was leaning against the car frowning. "That's all you have? We're gonna be awhile."

Chris didn't think the boredom angle would go over well. "I'll just buy what I need."

Justin wrinkled his brow and then smiled broadly. "Good plan." 

Chris nodded and opened his door. "Indeed."

Justin said goodbye to Lynn, then Trace, then Lynn again and Chris figured he'd better do something. He leaned over and tapped the horn. Justin jumped, taking Lynn off the ground with him. He put her down and scowled over his shoulder at Chris. Chris watched him hug Lynn one more time and then wave to Mike, who'd joined Dre in the car behind them. He climbed into the Escalade. Which, Chris thought settling into his seat, was pretty damn comfortable.

"Ready?" Justin clutched the key in his hand and smiled at Chris.

"As I'll ever be." But Chris was smiling, too and he kept smiling as they pulled out, Lynn waving at them until he couldn't see her anymore.

**

**mile two hundred forty-five**

Justin blinked a few times at the road in front of them. He was fucking exhausted. It was the day after a tour and Chris was right, normally he'd be in bed for at least two days. But, Justin had sensed that if he didn't get this road trip started right away then Chris would have come up with some excuse Justin couldn't talk his way around. 

He looked over at Chris who was flipping through the cd case he'd pulled out of the backseat. "How's C?"

Chris shrugged. He pulled the booklet for _Dangerously in Love_ out and started flipping the pages, pausing on the pictures of Beyonce. "Fine."

Justin bit his lip and focused on the road again. Chris turned and tossed the cds back behind them and Justin forced himself not to look to see if any had fallen out. He reached for the Red Bull in the cupholder and swallowed three quick sips.

"You left early last night." The after party had been at some club his mom picked out and it was fun, but Chris had disappeared after about an hour, popping up again only to say goodbye. Justin had planned to have him stay at his hotel, but never got the chance to ask.

"Yeah. I didn't sleep on the plance and then we were leaving early." Chris pulled a cd out of the walkman and slipped it in the car stereo. Busta Rhymes. Justin bobbed his head. "Did you have fun?"

Justin hadn't, really, but he'd felt stupid about that last night and even stupider now, so he just nodded. "Yeah. Trace was trying to pay Kelly and Elisha to make out."

Chris laughed, just once and then there was nothing but Busta echoing in the car. Justin shifted in his seat, pushing one fist against his eyes and rubbing a little. Rub the sleep out, his mom used to say. "This is a fucking great cd."

"I pulled it out last week. It's a classic." 

Chris rapped along and Justin joined in on "got you open like supermarkets" and Chris nodded over at him. They finished out the verse and Justin took a deep breath, but when the song was over, he was still completely unsure what to talk about. He finished his Red Bull and just listened to the cd, both he Chris shouting out the same lines every now and again. When it ended, Chris hit play again and settled back into the seat, closing his eyes. 

At first, Justin thought that Chris was asleep, but then he'd occasionally sit up and swear at a driver in the next lane or sit forward to replay a song. They listened to "Got You All in Check" four times in a row. Justin's eyes were tight and dry and felt like they had weights attached and the third time through the album, Justin was trying desperately not to fall asleep. 

"Can we change this?" he gestured at the stereo.

Chris looked at Justin out of the corner of his eye. "No."

"Fuck, Chris, it's been the same fucking album forever. I'm gonna fall asleep here." Picking a fight seemed as good a way as any to keep alert.

"You're driving. I get to pick the music." Chris slid down in his seat and glanced at Justin as he settled his shoes against the dash.

"Isn't the driver supposed to pick? Road trip etiquette?"

"That's for like, fucking college spring break trips when everyone's chipping in for gas and sleeping in roach-infested motels. Something you know nothing about, anyway. You made me come on this trip, I pick." Chris laughed. "Also, I'm not chipping in for gas."

"Whatever, there were totally roaches in some of those hotels with Lou." Justin shuddered. "Also, no one asked you to pay for gas."

"I bet this gets shit mileage, too, huh? We're gonna be stopping all the fucking time." Chris clicked his teeth together.

Justin bit his tongue and blinked a few more times. "Actually, I was thinking we could stop in Des Moines. Get food, too. You wanna drive after?"

Justin could see Chris grinning. "You're gonna let me drive your Escalade? Would Nelly approve?" Chris looked over Justin shoulder and frowned. "Look at that fucking guy-- he's reading while driving? Buy a book on tape, asshole."

Justin rolled his eyes, but he laughed. "I trust you. Besides, man, I can't drive all the time."

"Roadtrip to LA, wasn't there a movie about that?" Justin didn't even bother to roll his eyes. "Seriously, I'm so the feisty yet knocked-up chick from the wrong side of the tracks. All I need is that annoying voice."

"No, no, you've got that. Don't worry." Justin switched lanes, glancing over at the truck driver beside them.

"Fuck off. At least I'm not the pouty little virgin." Chris reached into the back seat and pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his bag. 

"Maybe I'm the other chick, the hot one with body issues." Justin figured he probably shouldn't be encouraging this, but Chris looked happier.

Chris settled back in his seat after flipping the cd off and the radio on. The Stones and Justin smiled. "Yeah, sure, you're spoiled enough." There was a pause, but it wasn't heavy. "So, tour's over. How's that?"

Justin tipped his head from side to side. "You know, let down. Strange, like sorta empty. Kinda why I wanted to do this. It's not quite a tour, but also not really real life again, either." Justin was trying to ease himself back into his real life and that included Chris.

"Transitional." Chris nodded.

"Yeah." Justin shifted his hands on the steering wheel and sat back a little. "Dude, do you remember when JC went nuts after No Strings?"

"And he wanted to rent a bus so he could live on it?" Chris bounced in his seat.

"Yeah. He used to fucking call me at like, three a.m. because he couldn't sleep without my breathing or something." Justin stepped on the brake and watched the car in front of him slow down for no reason. "Which I guess is sweet, but really fucking annoying."

"He made me play video games in his living room for a week." Chris dropped his feet onto the floor again and flicked his middle finger at the windshield. "What the hell is she fucking doing? There's no one in front of her for miles. Get over, bitch!"

Justin laughed and kept his foot on the brake. "You're not supposed to do that, you know. Road rage."

"Right, 'cause the slowest old lady in the world is gonna kick my ass." Chris put his hand in his lap, though.

"Dude, this is Iowa. Maybe even the old ladies have guns."

And of course, Chris had a story about an old lady with a gun, something that happened when he was a kid and he managed to make living in a car seem sort of fun, but Justin's heart still twisted a little bit picturing it. But, Justin was laughing.

When it ended, Justin saw a sign, they weren't quite to Des Moines, but he suggested stopping for coffee anyway and Chris agreed. 

He pulled off at the next exit, turning into the parking lot of a McDonald's. "This okay?"

Chris nodded and hopped to the ground, stretching. Justin watched and unbuckled slowly, before getting out and shutting the door behind himself. He walked around to where Chris was standing.

"Just coffee or should we get food?" Chris shielded his eyes from the sun and watched as Justin thought. "Nuggets with sweet and sour?"

Justin nodded. "And Coke." He bent down and untied his sneakers, pulling the laces tighter before retying them.

"No coffee?" Chris squinted and started walking towards the restaurant as soon as Justin stood up.

"Both. I wan--" Justin stopped when his cell phone rang, "Beautiful" blaring loud enough for a man sitting in front of the PlayPlace to turn. Justin looked at the display, "Mom." 

Chris nodded. "Hey Lynn."

"Chris says hi," Justin said into the phone.

"Hi back." Lynn sounded sleepy. 

"Hi." Justin looked past Chris, into the building at a family eating lunch in front of the window. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to see how you were."

"I'm good. Fucking exhausted, though." Justin glanced guiltily at Chris. "Where are you?"

"The airport. Our flight's delayed. How's Chris?"

Justin bit his lip. "Hold on." He pulled out his wallet. "Yo, you wanna just get stuff?" Chris nodded and Justin tossed him his wallet. "Coffee and Coke." Chris rolled his eyes and went inside. Justin sat down on a nearby table, his feet resting on the bench. "Sorry. We're at McDonald's."

"Oh. Where?" 

"Near Des Moines. Iowa. It's very flat." Justin smiled and listened to his mom laugh in his hear, light and easy.

"Things are going well, then?" Justin heard Paul in the background. "You guys talked?"

"Mmm… Some." Justin pulled at the hem of his shorts and watched through the window as Chris stepped up to the counter. "He was all quiet, but I think it'll be--" Justin shrugged and the girl inside laughed at whatever Chris was saying. Justin knew they'd have extra cookies or fries or something. "It'll be good."

"Of course." There was a short pause and Justin opened his mouth, but Lynn started talking again. "You should let him drive, honey. You're tired and I don't want you to, like, drive off the road."

Inside, Chris was gathering the bags and heading over to fill Justin's Coke. Justin watched as Chris filled it, poured some out and filled it some more.

"Of course. Chris is gonna drive from here. Promise. Did Trace and Elisha's flight leave already?" Justin stood up and walked to meet Chris as he came outside. Justin smiled, maybe broader than usual and took a bag.

"Yeah, right on schedule. I don't know what time they get to LA, but I'm sure he'll call you." Justin nodded and he heard flight announcements being made. "Oh, that's us. Love you."

"You too. Bye." Justin clicked the phone off and took his Coke from Chris, motioning to the car. "Their flight was delayed."

Chris nodded and headed back to the car.

Justin watched as Chris handed two of the bags to Dre and held his hands up for the keys. Justin threw them across the hood of the car and Chris unlocked the door and leaned over to settle the two coffees into the cup holder. 

Justin jumped up into the car, smiling and pushed a few buttons to reveal extra cup holders and then a few more to adjust Chris's seat, bringing it closer to the steering wheel before Chris was even in the car. He caught Chris watching and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, that's kinda cool." Chris held Justin's gaze and smiled. "I think my burger's in your bag. And the chick gave me extra fries. The cookies are mine, though." He shut the door and held out his hands.

**

**mile four hundred thirty-six**

Chris put his suitcase down in the middle of the floor and sat down in the reddish orange chair tucked in the corner of the hotel room and looked over at where Justin had collapsed on the nearest of the two beds. "You wanna go get drinks?"

"Mmm," Justin rolled his head on the pillow. "Give me like, ten minutes?"

Chris rolled his eyes. "You're not getting up at all, are you?"

"No, no. I just need to rest for like, fifteen. Okay? Then we'll go out."

Chris watched Justin's eyes flutter closed and his smile relax into a slight frown. It was barely even two minutes before he was breathing slow and steady.

"For fuck's sake." Chris sat up and looked at the clock on the nightstand. "It's not even nine o'clock." He scratched his stomach and stood, headed to the bathroom. 

It was pretty posh, actually, Chris thought as he ran the shower. Better than he'd really expected to find in Lincoln, Nebraska. Not that he'd ever actually thought about what he'd expected from anywhere in Nebraska. Chris stepped under the water and tilted his head, wetting his hair. He grabbed the tiny shampoo and rubbed some into his hair. He didn't think Justin had even showered before going to sleep. Very unusual. He must have been much more tired than he was letting on. 

After the water started to run cold, Chris stepped out, dried off and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Back in the room he opened the mini-bar, found a beer and settled back on the empty bed with the tv remote. Justin was sprawled over the other bed, face buried in the pillow and Chris wondered if he could even breathe. Chris had almost forgotten how Justin slept, all over everything, heavy breath warm on Chris's skin when he was part of that everything. He licked his lip, the bitter tang of beer and turned on the television.

If Chris had ever thought to expect things from Nebraska, really bad cable would probably have been one of them. ESPN didn't seem to be part of the package, no movie channels at all and there was nothing worth watching on MTV. Chris sighed and flipped past The Weather Channel -- hurricanes in the South, a woman being chased through the woods on Lifetime and yet another countdown show on VH1. He paused, trying to remember if this was the one he'd done commentary for. It wasn't, and he kept flipping. Eventually he realized he'd watched twenty minutes of some special about Oprah and dropped the remote.

"Fuck." He scrabbled for his cell phone and went out into the hall. Crouching on the floor, he listened to the shrill ring.

"Hello?" Joey was chewing. Loudly.

"Oprah's a big ol' lesbian." Chris let himself sit on the thin carpet.

"Yeah, but would you fuck her?" Joey swallowed. Also loudly.

Chris bit his nail and thought about it. "Oprah now?" He shrugged. "Sure."

"She's loaded, too. I bet she's got real nice sheets and shit." Joey laughed. "So, uh. Road trip going well, then?"

"J's asleep. We're in Nebraska. I'm watching a special about Oprah."

"But you're not fighting?"

Chris exhaled heavily in Joey's ear. "No. No, we're actually not. It was kinda fucked up at first, but then we had some stupid argument about the music and it was fine."

"Just fine?" Now Joey was drinking. Chris wished he'd brought out another beer.

"It's fun, okay. I mean, it was fun until he fell asleep." Chris switched the phone to his other ear. "I don't get why it's so surprising and incredible that we're having fun. He's my best friend."

"Yeah. But it's al--"

"It's all nothing. Which is the point of this trip. And it's fun, yes." Chris stood up and slipped the key card into the lock. He crossed the room and grabbed another beer. "Dude, you know we're driving that damn Escalade."

There was a moment of silence and Chris wasn't sure Joey was going to let him change the subject. But, then Joey snorted a little and asked, "he's letting you drive it?" 

Chris heard Justin's mattress creak and he paused, one foot hovering above the floor. Justin moaned a little, but didn't wake up and Chris started moving again.

"Uh-huh. But when we stopped for lunch, before we got back on the road he made us put the truck cover thing down. For no reason." Chris watched the door close to make sure it didn't make too much noise before dropping to the floor again.

"Well, it is reconfigurable, you might as well use it that way." Joey did a perfect Justin imitation. Chris snorted. "He's a freak. But a fun one."

Chris swallowed a sip of beer and an older woman walked by, glaring at him. He smiled at her around the bottle, pulling it from his mouth with a loud, wet smack. "Uh-huh. What's up with you? Talk to me, man. It's barely ten-thirty."

Joey filled Chris in on Briahna's latest adventures and how wedding planning was putting a cramp in his sex life because it was "fucking hard to get her off when she won't shut up about where my great uncle Leo's gonna sit." Chris didn't even try to sympathize, just laughed a lot and felt a little better. Since doing _Fame_ , Joey had a million stories about how fucking wacko Debbie Allen was and he told one that Chris hadn't heard yet. Chris finished his beer and stretched against the wall.

"Is Debbie friends with Oprah?"

Joey paused. "Are you asking me if she's a lesbian? Because I really don't know. Also, ew."

"No, like for real. Are they friends?"

"I don't know, she nev--" Joey stopped and Chris heard him talking in a lowered voice. "Man, I gotta bail. Wedding planning, you know."

Chris heard Kelly laugh and rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh. Well, I guess you've been as entertaining as you can be. Night. Hi to B."

Chris clicked off the phone and rolled his beer bottle around on the floor. He pushed himself up and walked to the room next door. He knocked and Dre answered, rubbing his face. 

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to tell you we're definitely not going out or anything. Justin fell asleep hours ago."

Dre nodded. "Cool. Night." He smiled and stepped forward just a little. Chris moved back so Dre could shut the door.

"Night," Chris said to the closed door.

Back in the room, Justin had rolled over onto his side, but his legs were still stretched out, his sneakers dangling over the edge. Chris sighed and kneeled down at the end of Justin's bed. He untied Justin's shoes and pulled them off, setting them neatly under the edge of the bed. He ran a finger slowly over Justin's instep and Justin hummed and twisted his upper body a little bit, but he didn't pull his foot away. Chris's chest hurt, just a little.

He thought about curling up in the little bit of space left on Justin's bed. He didn't think Justin would mind at all, but Chris thought it would be counter-productive, so he just undressed and crawled into the empty bed. He listened to Justin murmur and sigh until he fell into darkness.

** 

**mile four hundred thirty-six. still**

Justin's coffee was bitter, not enough sugar probably, but he drank it anyway in small quick sips that just barely burned the tip of his tongue. He was sitting on the hotel bed, a book opened on his lap, but he'd stopped reading after only a few pages.

He glanced over at Chris, curled up in the other bed. Justin smiled when Chris rolled over. He had pillow creases embossed onto his face and a small pout that relaxed every time he huffed a breath. Justin watched Chris sleep and sipped his coffee and didn't read his book. He wondered what Chris had done last night. He hadn't gone out, Justin decided because he'd already found and picked up three empty beer bottles in the room that morning. 

Justin ran a hand over the back of his head. He hadn't shaved it in a few days and he could tell that the fuzz was getting longer. Maybe he'd let it grow a little now that the tour was over. At Challenge, Chris had muttered something about missing the hair, or the curls or something. Justin hadn't cared what Chris missed, really, just that he had missed Justin. He closed his eyes, remembering, nothing specific, just the sensation of breathing easier than he had in weeks, Chris in the bed with him, on top of him and touching, his hands scrabbling over Justin's scalp like reading Braile. He could grow it out, not to curls again, but something. Some sort of cheesy starting over by going back thing, like their relationship.

Justin stretched out his legs and slid his bookmark into the book. He tossed it aside and rolled his shoulders. He felt rested for the first time in weeks, but he was worried that falling asleep last night had been a bad move. He looked over at Chris again. The fact that Chris had decided to sleep in the other bed, that was what worried Justin the most. They had to get a double room, but Justin hadn't expected to need the second bed. He sighed, wondered if he'd fucked everything up and got off the bed. He grabbed his cell phone and went into the bathroom, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub. He played with the corner of a clean towel as he waited for his mother to answer her phone.

"Hi honey." There was music in the background, Marvin Gaye and Justin smiled. "What's going on?"

"Mom, I think I fucked this up." Justin leaned against the tile. It was cold through his t-shirt.

"What happened?" Justin heard the music click off. "Did you fight?"

"Nothing happened. We ate dinner, it was fun, there were jokes and sexual tension. Then I went and fell asleep early and Chris didn't sleep in my bed."

"Oh, Justin." Lynn sighed. "Maybe he didn't think you'd want him to."

"How is that any better? I do want him to and how the hell did we get to a place where he would think I didn't? This break was a stupid idea."

"You're saying that now, but you know you had the right reasons. And it's better because you can fix it. Make sure he knows you do want to get back together." Lynn's voice was soft, but steady. She never sounded worried about anything. Justin wondered if she'd always been that way.

"You think it'll work?" Justin scratched at his jaw.

"It's Chris, right? Tell him what you want." 

Justin nodded, but he wasn't entirely sure that was enough anymore. He said goodbye and sat there staring into space until there was a loud bang on the door.

"J, what the hell are you doing in there? I've gotta piss."

Justin laughed and stood up, opening the door. He held up his phone. "Sorry. Mom."

Chris rolled his eyes and pushed past Justin. "Again? Hasn't she been with you all tour?"

Justin shrugged and walked over to the bed. He bent to pick up his sneakers, but then put them back on the floor, listening as the shower started running. Eventually, Chris came out, a towel wrapped around his waist and rifled through his duffel bag for clothes. Justin watched drops of water drip from Chris's hair and roll over his back. He bit his tongue and stood up.

"What the hell time did you get up?" Chris pulled a t-shirt over his head and Justin stopped halfway between Chris and the bed.

"Like, six? It was kinda disgusting." Justin shifted his weight, watched Chris's hand hover and settle at his waist.

"Good, man. You left me to entertain myself in a hotel in Nebraska. You deserve some sort of punishment." Chris's fingers played over the towel and he reached into his bag, pulling out a pair of green boxers. "You know I watched a special about Oprah. You owe me b--"

Justin reached out and put his hand over Chris's, curving his fingers just under the soft cotton. "Yeah?" He raised his eyebrows.

Chris stared at Justin's hand and just nodded.

"Okay." Justin folded his hand over Chris's and pulled it away, then pulled the towel off and let it drop to the floor. "--okay." The white fabric spread over Chris's feet and Justin looked up at Chris's face. He smiled a little unsure. Chris just blinked.

Justin stepped forward and pressed against Chris, one hand sliding through a small pool of water on Chris's waist. Justin inhaled and leaned forward, slow, just in case, but Chris didn't move away and then they were kissing, barely. Justin put more pressure and then stopped, Chris's breath ghosting over Justin's skin until Chris sighed against Justin's mouth and licked a line over Justin's lower lip, then teeth pushing into Justin's skin until his lips parted and Justin tasted spearmint clean over the bitter coffee still on his tongue.

Justin didn't know how long they kissed before he ran out of breath and had to pull back, gasping for air. Chris slid his hand under Justin's shirt, sprinkling light touches over his abdomen. Justin shivered and whispered "okay?" against Chris's mouth. He wasn't sure he knew any other words.

Chris kissed him again and this time when Justin pulled back, he folded his legs and dropped to the floor, one knee on the damp towel and the other sliding against the slick mesh of his shorts. He dropped kisses on the skin just below Chris's t-shirt and ran his tongue underneath, the cloth rough and thick and Chris's skin soft and tasting perfumed and fresh. Justin kissed lower and tilted his head just a bit to draw a line up the underside of Chris's cock. He licked and teased until Chris let out a frustrated breath above him. Justin laughed against Chris's skin, kneading Chris's thighs and kissing the tip of Chris's cock before opening his mouth.

Chris's hands roamed over Justin's scalp, scratching at the base of his neck and grasping at the fine film of hair. Justin reminded himself to breathe in and out through his nose and used his tongue and fingers to pull small, secret noises from Chris's throat. He heard the higher hitch in Chris's breath, it didn't take long at all, and relaxed his jaw, nuzzling his head against Chris's stomach and wrapping one hand around his hip until he started thrusting. Justin tensed at the heavy weight in his throat, but it was Chris and he waited until he could breathe again, relaxing and letting Chris move until he came and pulled back and out of Justin's mouth with a quiet pop.

Justin closed his eyes and swallowed, pulled in a deep breath and centered himself. He pictured Chris's satisfied smirk and hazy eyes before letting himself actually look up. And it was the same as always, but there was something else, something sharper lingering behind the haze and Justin clenched his hand into a fist before unfolding it to wipe his mouth.

Chris watched Justin stand up and he didn't move. When Justin was on his feet again Chris reached out and put his hands on Justin's sides, running them up and down and pulling Justin forward. They kissed again, Justin's throat sore and Chris's tongue searching all of Justin's mouth. When he pulled away again Justin wondered if he'd found whatever he was looking for.

"Mmm…" Justin grinned, broad and only a little forced. "We're even, then? I'd like to think that makes up for Oprah."

Chris laughed and his eyes were focused again. "Possibly I owe you now." He glanced down at Justin's shorts and smirked. 

Justin rolled his hips uncomfortably. "No worries. You can get me later." Justin didn't know quite why, but it seemed like the right answer. Still, his stomach twisted when Chris nodded.

**

**mile five hundred twenty-nine**

Chris sighed and stared out the window. It was always overwhelming the way the mountains in this part of the country were just right there, so close no matter where you drove. Maybe he'd buy a house in Colorado. A ranch, that's what all the celebs were doing. He rolled his eyes and looked at the clock. They'd left Lincoln kinda late and it was already mid-afternoon.

Justin had been weird and overly chatty for exactly thirty-six minutes after the Awkward BlowJob Experience. Not that the actual blowjob had been awkward, far from it. But the afterwards. They'd gone out to get breakfast and passed the National Roller Skating Museum. Justin had decided it would be the perfect random roadtrip activity. And wandering around the small brick building, enriching their lives through roller skating, Justin had finally seemed to get back to normal. He even cracked a joke about Kylie's ass without shooting nervous looks in Chris's direction. When they'd finally gotten back on the road, everything was going fine.

Justin looked back over his shoulder and switched lanes, frowning a little.

"What are you doing?"

"Gas." Justin slid onto the exit ramp, going just a little too fast and Chris made a show of pressing his hand against the roof.

"I'd like to make it to LA alive, J. I have to have my epic miscarriage so we can all grow as people."

"Oh fuck off. I'm barely speeding, man." 

Chris just rolled his eyes and tightened his seat belt. Justin took the next left a little too sharply, laughing as Chris slammed his shoulder against the glass. 

"Oops."

They pulled into the gas station and Justin hopped out and started filling the tank. Chris followed him.

"I'm going inside, you need anything?"

Justin frowned and looked at the tiny convenience store. "Nah, I've gotta use the bathroom."

Chris blinked. In all the time they'd traveled together, he'd never known Justin to piss in a gas station. He smiled slowly. "Really?"

Justin sighed. "Yeah."

Chris headed into the store and wandered around, picking up Cheetos and root beer, beef jerky, a box of Milk Duds and two boxes of Hot Tamales. He was standing at the counter when Justin walked up from the back of the store, his nose wrinkled and rubbing his fingers together nervously. He tossed a bottle of water and a pack of Oreos on the counter. Chris mock glared at him, but paid for everything and carried the bag out of the store.

"Ugh." Chris started laughing as soon as Justin opened his mouth. "That was possibly the grossest thing ever. There was like, matted toilet paper everywhere and some sort of greenish-blue stuff on the faucet handles. It smelled like," Justin looked like Lance the time he drank some of Trace's special punch. "Just. Ugh." Justin shuddered and Chris shook his head as he walked away and climbed up into the car.

He glanced at the rearview as he was getting settled and noticed that Justin had reconfigured the damn Escalade again. He didn't even bother to roll his eyes this time, just pulled the root beer out of the bag and opened it, purposefully letting a bit spill on the leather by his leg.

After downing a good quarter of the bottle in one long swig, Chris turned around and twisted his neck to look out the window. Justin was standing behind the car talking animatedly on his cell phone. Chris reached over and blared the horn. Justin flipped him off, but he was in the car in just a few minutes.

"Sorry." Justin started the car and pulled away. "I had to ask Mom something."

Chris stared at Justin, waiting for him to notice. When he finally looked over and asked, "what?" Chris raised an eyebrow.

"You realize this thing with your mom, it's kinda creepy. Like, you've talked to her how many times since we left Minnesota?"

Justin looked back at the road and merged onto the highway. He licked his lips. "Like, six?"

"That was yesterday." Justin nodded. "That's not normal, man." Mostly, Chris didn't care, but it never quite got old, teasing Justin about Lynn. If it got boring or awkward again, Chris would pull out the 'yo mama' jokes.

"Fuck off." Justin reached forward and pushed play on the stereo, Stevie Wonder filling the small space. Justin bobbed his head and sang along.

Chris watched, drinking the root beer and knawing on a strip of beef jerky. He remembered the morning and paused, the bottle halfway to his mouth. That was probably the last time he'd ever get a blowjob from Justin. Which was disturbing on a couple of levels. 'Cause Justin gave really great head. But also, because already Chris didn't really remember it. He pictured things, but he wasn't sure if they'd happened this morning or maybe during any number of times. Last time they'd had sex, they'd skipped out of some afterparty at Challenge and fucked for hours and Chris had decided it would be the last time. He'd made a point of memorizing it all, which wasn't something he'd ever tell anyone, but he'd done it with Dani, too. And now there'd been one more time and Chris didn't really remember it at all. He swallowed, the liquid sweet and starting to get flat. He wasn't sure if any of it mattered.

Justin reached down to get his water from the bag and pulled out a box of Hot Tamales, too. He grinned and held them up. "Are these for me?"

"I don't like them, do I?" Chris tipped his head back and watched Justin tear open the box and pour a stream of the red candies into his mouth. He rolled his eyes.

"Thanks, man." Justin started singing again, mumbling around the food in his mouth and after a few lines, Chris shrugged and joined in. 

**

**mile seven hundred thirteen**

Justin put his cell phone down. "Dre and Mike wanna stop for lunch, so I'm pulling off here."

Chris nodded and pressed scan on the radio again. "The radio here sucks."

"The radio everywhere sucks." Justin watched Chris out of the corner of his eye until he had to turn and pay attention to the exit ramp. "Just put a new cd in."

Chris shrugged and flipped to another station. "We're getting out soon."

Something that was probably Creed started and Justin waved his hand, frowning. Chris changed it right away.

Justin slowed down and looked out the window. "What kind of food? There's a, Chinese place there. And IHOP, which, no."

"I don't understand your IHOP hatred. It's classic Americana." Chris flipped quickly past what sounded like a sermon, Britney, talk radio and then a whole bunch of static.

"Trace, man. He makes us stop there every fucking day so he can get that chocolate pancake thing. And he pours every kind of syrup on it and it's just. Gross and sticky." Chris laughed and Justin stuck out his lower lip. It really was disgusting. "Mexican?"

"There's Mexican in Nebraska?" Chris wrinkled his nose. 

"La Ranchera Mexican," Justin said, his tongue catching on the roof of his mouth as he rolled the 'r'.

"I don't think so. I can't really get excited about mid-western Mexican." He pushed the scan button again. J.Lo and he paused. "She can't sing, but she sure is glad."

"I bet it's like, mild salsa and tortilla chips out of a bag." Justin took a left, driving with no real purpose. "Mike said no fast food."

Chris snorted. "The help's getting picky." He looked out the window. "I don't even care. No sushi, though."

Justin shuddered. He was probably a snob, but he didn't really think Nebraska and sushi went together either. He watched buildings go by, a Pizza Hut and an Olive Garden. He was about to suggest that when Chris leaned forward and snapped off the radio.

"Dude. There." Justin looked out to where Chris was pointing. 

"The Golden Spur Steakhouse and Saloon?" Justin made sure Dre and Mike were right behind them and turned into the parking lot. He parked near the back, in the shade of another building and turned off the car. "Okay."

The place was decorated all wild west, with photos of famous cowboys and a jukebox full of country music. The waitresses were outfitted in tight country girl outfits, with breasts squeezed into low cut tops and full, swinging skirts. The menu was full of red meat and fried appetizers. They both figured steak was the only option and Justin ordered his medium even though he really preferred it a little darker because Chris had a whole speech about how ordering steak well done was a sacrilege.

"This place is odd." Chris looked around and Justin did the same, ducking his eyes when a table of truckers gave him what might have been a dirty look. He didn't think anyone would recognize him, but he pulled his hat lower on his head. 

"Well, it's like, did you see that sign for the pioneer village on the way here?" Justin played with his napkin as he settled it in his lap. Chris nodded. "It's like that. Those are just creepy. Everyone in costume reenacting something that happened forever ago. And they won't break character at all, you know?"

"We went to one of those in grade school." Chris sipped his water. Justin had been to one when he was a kid, too. "A bunch of us stood around trying to get the town crier to freak out and slip out of character, but he never did."

"Disney's like that, too. I always hated it. Ryan and I would, like, spit on the characters and stuff because they couldn't yell at us. I don't know, there's acting and then." Justin shrugged. "Britney always thought it was kinda cool."

Chris laughed, louder and longer than Justin thought that comment deserved. He frowned until Chris stopped. "No, it just. I think Brit would probably be really good at that. Is, actually." Chris laughed again, but just a bit.

Justin smiled, but he looked over his shoulder for the waitress. He heard Chris's silverware clanking together. It clashed with the twangy Dolly Parton song blaring out of the speakers. Justin didn't see the waitress, so he turned back. 

Justin inhaled and breathed the air out as, "um, this morning?" Chris set his knife down carefully and tapped his spoon against the wooden tabletop. "It's okay? Like, I didn't," Justin paused and tilted his head, wondering if Chris was planning on looking up from the table. "I didn't expect to wake up alone, you know?"

Chris licked the bottom of his front tooth and nodded. "Right." He looked up at Justin and squinted. "But, you were all spread out and I--" Justin watched Chris, trying to figure out what he wasn't saying. His skin itched under his tee-shirt. "Isn't that the point?"

Justin stared at Chris. He thought that maybe he'd missed part of what Chris had said. "The point of what?"

Chris blinked. "The trip. Your grand road trip of Chris and Justin best friends forever, you know?"

"Well, yeah. But that doesn't explain why you didn't--" Justin stopped, because Chris tipped his chin towards the air behind Justin. The waitress appeared a second later, carrying their plates. Chris made a show of being hungry and started shoveling food into his mouth. Justin shrugged and smiled wanly at Mike over Chris's shoulder. He bent his head and raised his knife. The pink of the meat made Justin a little dizzy and he had to take three deep breaths before he could start eating.

They ate in silence, eating quickly and Justin tried not to think that maybe things were even worse now. He jumped when his cell phone rang and Chris laughed at him. It was Lance and Justin wondered what time it was in California, but didn't care enough to figure it out.

"Hi." Justin stood up, pointing to the back and Chris nodded. Justin walked towards the bathrooms and sat down on a bench next to the payphone. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to see what's up." Lance's voice faded out for a second and then came back. "--talked to C."

"We're eating lunch. Some town in Nebraska I can't really pronounce." Justin looked back at their table, but he could only see Chris's dishelved hair over the high wooden booth. "Where are you?"

"On the way to the office." Lance coughed. "So, um. The road trip?"

Justin bit his lip. "We're in Nebraska." Justin couldn't hear the traffic behind Lance, just horns and maybe someone shouting. "Are you on the Freeway?"

"Uh-huh." There was a pause, slightly too long and Justin wasn't sure what this was about. Finally Lance coughed again. "The trip?"

"Yeah, what about it? And what's with the coughing. Is it SARS? Can I have your cars if you die?" Lance didn't laugh, Justin could picture his eyebrows arching as he exhaled loudly against the mouthpiece. "It's. Weird."

"Weird, like, Chris is pouring Mountain Dew in your Nikes and you're trying to beatbox to punk music or weird bad?"

"Weird like, it keeps going back and forth, we're having fun and then he kinda shuts down a little." Justin pulled at the hem of his shorts. "But, that's what happens--" Justin took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "There was sex type stuff this morning."

"Oh," Lance sounded surprised. "So things are good."

Justin tipped his head from side to side. "Yeah. But, just. Weird. It was different."

Lance laughed. "I probably don't want to know why, but."

"Well, not like, bad different. I don't think." Justin tried to remember. "It was good. But, after it felt strange. Which is weird 'cause it's not usually. But, I mean, we haven't been hanging out, we haven't seen each other. I don't like it, but--"

"Do you think--" Lance paused and Justin heard another phone ringing. "Are you breaking up with him?"

Justin sat up straight. "No. The hell? That's stupid. We're getting back together. Or, not, exactly, that, but. You know. No more break."

"See, you don't even understand that means." Justin rolled his eyes. He knew he'd explained this before, but Lance refused to understand. "Are you together now? How could you be maybe breaking up or maybe getting back together? It makes no sense." 

Justin sighed. "We're on a break. 'Cause I was going away and the solo thing and I didn't want to be all possessive girlfriend, if-you-love-me-you'll-wait-for-me. So, break. You know this." Lance didn't say anything and Justin rolled his eyes. "Now the tour's over and so's the break."

Chris poked his head around the booth and looked back at Justin. He waved and held his hand up, fingers and thumb slapping together in a 'Lance won't shut the fuck up' gesture. Chris nodded and went back to his food.

"You're sure?" Lance sounded distracted and Justin heard the phone ring again. "'Cause JC was kinda gloom and doom about it all."

"I don't know what he's talking about, but it's fine. I'm just-- I'm wrong. It's fine, 'cause, you know, there's gotta be a readjustment period, ease back into each other, right?" Justin stood up and paced in front of the bathroom doors. "It's normal."

"Uh-huh, okay. I should just ignore C." Justin nodded and he heard the phone ringing a third time. "Sorry, I've gotta take this, okay? I'm never gonna make my meeting on time. I hate fucking traffic. Good luck."

"Bye, man." Justin clicked the phone off and went back to the table. "Lance has too many phones."

Chris nodded and headed back to the car. "What'd he want?"

"Check in, make sure we hadn't killed each other." Justin sat down and looked at his baked potato. His stomach rolled.

"You didn't tell him about the hitch-hiker, did you?" Chris's plate was empty.

"Nah. He'd just give me that lecture about bad publicity." Justin put his fork on his plate and caught the waiter's eye. He wasn't hungry.

**

**mile nine hundred twenty-five**

Chris hadn't really been able to figure out anything that was going through Justin's head since lunch. They'd started some conversation and Chris had thought they'd finally hit the big breakup talk, but when Chris tried to get the conversation going again, back in the car, Justin had just apologized for being weird and again for sleeping all night. Chris had thought about pushing the issue, but there was enough of him that didn't want to hear the words, so he stopped.

In Denver, they'd asked the concierge for some local bars and gotten a long list. So far they'd been to three and were on the way to number four. Chris's head was buzzing pleasantly and Justin was warm and loud. It was definitely fun.

He followed Mike into the bar, Justin pressed closely to him and took a seat at a table near the back. Justin went to the bar and came back with a LaBatt's for Chris and a Jack and Coke for himself.

"Here, fucker. Weird Canadian beer. It's pretty though. Blue. The label, you know? I like blue." Justin plopped into his seat and gulped from his glass, splashing some over the side, brown liquid running down his forearm. Chris watched it until it disappeared below the table.

"How many have you had?" Chris sipped his beer and closed his eyes as he swallowed. When he opened them Justin was counting on his fingers, pressing on the tip of each one.

"Six, seven, eight." Justin squinted and pushed his lips into a pout. "Eight? That seems like too many." Justin shook his fingers out and started again. "Three in the first bar," three fingers, "just one in the second one, 'cause that place smelled funny and we had to leave."

Chris laughed and drank more beer, looking around the bar. It was dark and there was baseball on the tv over the bar. He watched the game, not close enough to figure out who was playing.

"And then two or three at the last place?" Two more fingers. "'Cause I was dancing. I definitely had some water." Chris turned back to watch Justin tap the side of his head. "Yeah, so two drinks and one glass of water. Seven, then. This is number seven."

He smiled wide at Chris, proud of himself and Chris smiled back. "That's not bad. Really, you're pretty sober for seven."

Justin nodded and drank most of number seven in two big sips. "It's all the dancing." He wiggled in his seat, shimmying his torso and popping his shoulders. "That was a nice club. Lots of pretty people."

Chris grinned and looked back at the game. "Do you know who's playing?"

"Um. I think it's the Rockies and um." Chris looked at Justin who was squinting at the television, head tipped to one side. He stood up and took three steps closer. "San Francisco." Justin sat down and finished his drink, standing up immediately and moving to the bar.

Chris watched him walk over there, tottering just a little, but still making it look good. He frowned, but then Justin was leaning all over some overly teased blonde and Chris was laughing as he watched her face go from startled to annoyed to amused. She patted Justin's head and grinned at him and then over at Chris. She laughed and moved so Justin could get to the bar.

Chris made sure Justin drank number eight a little slower and he put some Will Smith on the juke box because it was the only hip hop they had. Justin danced in the small space in front of their table, actually getting a few people to join him.

Justin collapsed against the wall and a waitress brought them another round. The blonde from earlier waved as she walked out the door.

"Sweet." Justin drank greedily and laughed. He'd finished half the glass when his eyes lit up. "Chris!"

Chris sat his beer down and raised an eyebrow. "Yes, dear?"

Justin stuck his tongue out and then stared at Chris for a minute before shaking his head and blinking. "Wait. Um." He clapped his hands together and Chris hid a smile. "The list! Can I see the list of bars?

Chris stood up and reached into his back pocket. He handed Justin the wrinkled piece of paper and sat again, watching Justin scan the list.

"Here! We're going here." And Justin was up and halfway to the door before Chris realized what was going on. Mike was right behind him though, so Chris followed and met up with Justin outside.

"Where are we going J? We didn't even finish our drinks." Chris kept following Justin down the block until he stopped in front of a nice looking bar. Chris looked up at the sign. "Karaoke? All right."

They went in and Chris grabbed seats at the bar, while Justin shoved or charmed his way to the front of the sign-up line. He came back grinning wide and grabbed Chris's beer, taking a healthy swig before slamming it back down. "Just so you know, I'm not cutting my shirt off all sexy like."

Justin blinked and tilted his head. "Dude, you keep bringing up _Crossroads_. It's kinda creepy."

Chris laughed and took his beer back from Justin's clenched fist. "As long as it bugs you."

Justin rolled his eyes and listed to the left as he turned to watch the stage. Three girls were singing "I Will Survive" and Justin cheered louder than anyone when they finished.

The dj's voice was loud and tinny through the speakers. "Mimi and Lucy?"

Chris laughed as Justin pulled him off the stool. "And I'm being creepy?"

"Well, you know."

They walked to the stage and Justin muttered some sort of introduction before launching into "I Love Rock 'N Roll" Chris laughed his way through and everyone cheered when they were done. They ran through "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous" and a garbled version of "Roll Out" before Chris got tired and went to sit down. Justin pouted, but whispered something to the guy running the machine.

"Okay, okay. Just one more. For my friend Mimi over there, who I love tons."

Chris laughed and asked for another beer. He drank from the bottle and listened to Justin sing "Sweet Child O' Mine" in his best high-register Axl impression. Everyone in the bar seemed to appreciate the gyrating that substituted for the snake dance and Chris wondered if they'd ever seen anyone beatbox to Guns 'n' Roses before.

Justin bowed and thanked the little people as he bounded off the stage and landed almost on top of Chris.

"Did you like?" Justin was all sparkle, sweat glistening on his head and his eyes shining with laughter.

Chris nodded. "I'd fill your tip jar." He laughed as Justin attempted to reconstruct some story he only vaguely remembered about meeting Slash at a party. Chris laughed and looked at his watch. They'd been out for awhile and he was starting to get tired. Actually, he'd been tired since the dance club, but it made him feel old to admit it. He was yawning before he could stop himself.

"Chris." Justin's voice was high and concerned. "Are you sleepy? We can go back to the hotel. I'm drunk." Justin covered his mouth as he yawned, too.

Chris snorted. "No kidding." He downed half his beer and leaned forward to burp in Justin's face. "Let's go."

Justin left a fifty on the bar and they followed the bodyguards back to the waiting car. Justin wrapped two fingers around Chris's wrist as Chris climbed in, Justin right behind.

"That was fun." Justin leaned his head on Chris's shoulder and Chris had to nudge him over and point at the seat belt. Justin pouted a little, but he moved. When he was buckled in, he slid down in his seat, his knees bent and long legs pooling on the floor. "Did you have fun?"

Chris nodded. "Yeah, totally. I'm just an old man now, I can't keep up with your young superstar hours."

Justin laughed, loud, kind of like what Chris thought Woody Woodpecker on speed might sound like. It was a noise he loved, though and he turned his head to watch Justin clap his hands.

Chris told Justin a few jokes, a story about Ron from the last road trip he'd been on and something he'd heard on Letterman a few nights ago. Pretty much whatever would keep Justin making that noise, sucking in breaths between cackles. When they got back to the hotel room Justin was out of breath, his skin was flushed and glowing and Chris felt something like a hero.

Justin pulled his t-shirt over his head, tangling the cloth together and then reappearing, smiling. "You're a funny man." Justin dropped the shirt on the floor and toed off his shoes and socks. He reached for the button on his pants and headed into the bathroom and kicked the door only partially closed behind him. 

Chris listened to water run and the toilet flush, the loud sound of Justin yawning and burping. He came to the door with his tooth brush hanging out of his mouth, white foam at the corners, not wearing a shirt.

"Do you have to use the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna shower." Justin didn't come out, though. Just turned around and left the door open. 

Chris heard him spitting and then the shower started. Chris sighed and went in. Justin's khakis were in a pile in the corner and Chris bent down to lift them, folding them loosely and placing them on the counter. He unbuttoned his jeans and listened to Justin singing, "and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by", softer now, no squealing. Chris grinned as he washed his hands and headed back to the bedroom.

He pulled the sheets out from under the mattress and tossed the scratchy comforter on the floor before settling into the bed. He sat up and waited for Justin to come out so he could get the lights. Chris chewed his lip a little and decided to ignore the sharp poking thoughts behind the laughter and the beer buzz. He smiled when Justin came out in boxers, rubbing a towel over his head.

"All clean now?"

Justin nodded and threw his towel on the empty bed. He flicked the light switch and Chris watched him in the dimmer glow of the lamplight. Justin tripped a little and Chris looked down to see what he'd stepped on, but Chris didn't see anything. He laughed and Justin laughed with him.

"I'm sleeping here," Justin said as he crawled over Chris. His skin was damp and hotter than Chris thought it should be. But maybe that was him. Chris didn't answer, just turned off the lamp and flipped over onto his back.

Justin slid under the blanket, then kicked most of it off and spread his legs out. His arms snaked over Chris's body, tracing patterns, maybe words. Chris shivered. Justin leaned over, his breath still smelling of sugar and warm Jack. Chris probably shouldn't, he thought, but ignored himself and leaned up to kiss Justin. The buzzing in his head intensified and Justin's lips were rougher than they'd been that morning.

Justin pulled away and kissed down Chris's neck and sucked at a small patch of skin just below his collarbone. Chris laughed against Justin's scalp as it tickled his neck and Justin lifted his head to smile up at him, his teeth visible even in the mostly dark room.

Chris looked towards the window, the moon high in the sky and the sillouettes of the mountains not that far at all. Justin settled against Chris's chest.

"This was fun." Justin's lips scraped over Chris's skin. "Love you."

Justin was drunk and Chris wasn't exactly feeling the pain so he was pretty sure this would be all wrong in the morning. But Justin's hand fluttered over Chris's hip before settling there, large and comfortable, so Chris tangled one leg with Justin's. He fell asleep, warmer than he'd been in a long time.

**

**mile nine hundred ninety-two**

Justin pulled himself up into the passenger seat, fastened his seat belt and stared out the window. He'd had a lot of hangovers, but none quite this awful. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes, willing himself back in bed twisted around Chris. Instead, Chris climbed into the driver's seat, and Justin groaned when the engine started.

"I want to die."

"Actually, with the amount of Jack you put away, I'm kinda surprised you didn't." Chris's voice was rough and quiet, but it still felt like small hammers against Justin's skull. "Here."

Justin opened his eyes and Chris was offering him a large bottle of Gatorade.

"I fucking love you." Justin grabbed the open bottle and poured it down his throat until he had to stop to breathe. He sighed and wiped his mouth, then smiled back at Chris who was still looking at him. "You okay? You need some?"

Chris blinked and shook his head. "Nah, coffee's fine for me." Chris gestured at the cup holder and checked the mirrors. "Ready?"

Justin nodded, licking his lips and swallowing the acrid aftertaste of artificial watermelon. He settled back and slowly finished the Gatorade, listening to Chris hum under his breath and mutter obscenities at other drivers as they left the city and pulled onto the highway. Underneath the headache, Justin was happy. He hadn't woken up by himself this time and his mom had been encouraging on the phone when they talked. Justin thought maybe things weren't as messed up as they'd seemed. Justin cracked his window a little, desperate for fresh air and breathed in slow, careful breaths until he felt like a human being again.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. You can't drive in the carpool lane if you only have one person in your damn car."

Justin looked out the window at the mini-van in front of them. There was a good stretch of empty road in front of it and there was definitely only one person inside. Justin wasn't even sure if you were supposed to be in the carpool lane with only two people, but he laughed anyway.

"I wouldn't care so much if the asshole would just speed up. Fucking idiots." Chris fidgeted in his seat and scowled out the window.

Justin saw a sign that said "HOV lane violations: $100. Report cheaters! Be a Hero!" He laughed and pulled out his cell phone, quickly dialing the number before the sign was out of sight.

"What are you doing? Are you calling Lynn again?"

Justin rolled his eyes. "Can you read me the guy's plate number?"

Chris looked over at Justin, "What?"

"The pla--" Justin waved his hand as he was asked for the highway number. "Um, I-25." Justin paused, listened to the instructions and then pulled his phone away. He looked up at the car ahead of them and entered the plate number on his keypad.

"Thank you! Violations are taken seriously and we appreciate your citizenship!" The automated voice on the end of the phone was thrilled with Justin's heroism and Justin smiled as he hung up.

"Did you just report the carpool asshole?" Chris's voice was getting louder and Justin's head still hurt, so he winced a little. "Sorry."

"Yeah. I'm a hero."

"You're a fucking narc. I can't believe you just, like, called the traffic cops on someone."

"They appreciate my citizenship." Justin dropped the Gatorade bottle on top of the trash in the plastic bag in the backseat.

"My best friend's a narc." Chris sighed heavily, but he was grinning, so Justin just rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever. You can put on some music now. Quiet, though?" Justin leaned back and pulled one leg up onto the seat.

"Eh, you pick. You're the hero and all."

Justin laughed and started rifling through the cds, finally deciding on _Parachutes_.

"Ah, Coldplay. Shocking turn of events." Chris reached over to pick up his coffee as Justin was adjusting the volume and their hands brushed together. Chris jumped, spilling coffee on Justin's wrist. 

"Dude." Justin pulled his hand back and licked away the cold, sweet liquid. Chris watched and Justin bit back a smile. "Eyes on the road, yo."

Chris frowned and faced forward, putting the coffee back without drinking any. Justin closed his eyes and cracked the window some more, letting the breeze blow over his face.

**

**mile one thousand one hundred forty-two**

Driving with a hungover Justin wasn't nearly as bad as Chris had anticipated. Actually, he'd been so prepared for the whining that he almost missed it. But only almost. They stopped for lunch in some smallish town in New Mexico, home of some super-hyped NRA shooting range. Justin stopped in front of the sign and stared.

"What is up with all the guns?" Justin turned to look at Chris. "I mean, every fucking tourist attraction we passed in Nebraska was a military history museum. And there was that truck with like, seven guns on the back this morning. And now NRA shooting ranges."

"It's America. It's the west. We like our guns." Chris watched as Justin frowned. "J, you're from the south. Are you really this unaware of the gun culture? Maybe you should talk to Lance."

"No, it's just like. I get guns. I get hunting, it doesn't bug me. I mean," Justin shuddered. "I don't want to do it. Ever. But I think it's okay. I realize guns have a purpose and they should be contolled, but whatever. I just don't get the extreme emotional attachment."

"It's about independence and adventure. It's romanticized." Chris waved his hand in the air and Justin looked around. It looked vaguely like the set of an old tv western. "The Old West, you know? Legends and things that mean more in the imagination than they ever did in reality."

Justin sighed. "Whatever, my head still hurts. It's stupid. Let's eat."

They walked around town looking for food and Chris watched Justin looking at every building, watching everyone who passed by as if they might be the secret to some great mystery. Or, maybe he was just afraid they all had guns. Chris laughed under his breath, but turned around to make sure Dre and Mike were right behind them. They waved and Chris followed Justin into some dingy diner.

They ate slowly, taking their time. Justin had greasy eggs, scrambled and covered in cheese, and bacon so crisp that small smears of carbon stuck to his fingers. Chris's stomach rolled a little with the smell of it all and he barely picked at his roast beef sandwich.

"You okay?" Justin's fork clattered against his plate and he sipped from what must have been his fifth glass of water. He tilted his head at Chris's food.

"Yeah. Just a little queasy. It's so your turn to drive." 

Chris paid the check and used the bathroom, then went to meet Justin back at the car. There was a small group of people gathered around him and Chris could see the sun glinting off his smile from yards away. He shook his head and stopped walking. Justin signed a few pieces of paper and knelt down to talk to a little boy in a green baseball cap. He laughed and stood up again, patting a girl's shoulder. When he moved his hand away, her tank top strap fell slightly askew. Justin looked up then and noticed Chris, his smile widening. He said something to the group and got into the car. By the time Chris got there, only one kid was still standing there clutching a napkin to her chest. Chris grinned at her and thought he knew exactly how she felt as he climbed into the car to the sound of Justin's laughter.

"The little girl wants to marry me. Maybe I should take her up on it?" Justin started the car and headed back onto the highway.

"Shotgun wedding, maybe?"

Justin laughed again and started singing Billy Idol. It clashed rather badly with the Coldplay still on the stereo, but Chris didn't really mind.

"Isn't that song about incest?" Justin looked at Chris out of the corner of his eye. "Like, he wants to fuck his sister?"

Chris shrugged. "I don't know."He thought for a minute, remembering the lyrics. "It's like. Maybe they're in really tight quarters and she's all he knows."

"So that's not a reason to fuck her." Justin slid down in his seat a little bit.

"No." Chris shook his head. "It's not."

There was a moment of silence, just guitars sliding together on the stereo. Chris thought about all the things he ever knew for sure.

Finally Justin cocked his head. "The song?"

Chris blinked. "He went away, his sister met someone else, now he's back and whatever, he's not even sure of the one thing he knew." Chris turned and stared out the window, watched the desert flash by, a long stretch of browns stuttered with the motion of the car. Chris thought it was probably time for a moment of deep reflection when you started identifying with Billy Idol lyrics. He rolled his eyes at the blurry reflection in the window. "Fuck, when did I become the eighties song expert?"

"You're the Billy Idol fan. Sorry I asked." Chris saw Justin's reflection in the window turn and stare at Chris. "Right." Justin reached forward and Chris Martin's voice got a lot louder.

"What happened to your headache?" Chris muttered, but there was no heat behind it and Justin didn't answer.

**

**mile one thousand three hundred fifteen**

Justin glanced around the golf course and then grinned at Chris. "This place is fucking gorgeous."

Chris nodded and twirled his club around. "Yeah, nice call."

They'd arrived in Santa Fe early enough to make a late tee time at a golf course that Justin had heard about from one of his roadies. The country's highest course, or something. It was all set on bluffs and cliffs and it was just sunset. It was definitely one of the top ten prettiest places Justin had ever been. He tilted his head up to the sky and imagined his skin painted in pinks and oranges.

"You coming?"

Justin shook his head and followed Chris to the green. He frowned a little at Chris's back. He didn't seem to be enjoying himself so much at all. He seemed to have gotten over whatever had pissed him off about Billy Idol after only twenty minutes or so, but Justin still thought he was in a mood and was being as careful as possible. This trip was important and he needed it to go right. He was already confused.

On the green Justin sized up his putt. He was two under and he should be able to make this. He paced out the distance, took a few practice swings and stepped behind the ball. He took a deep breath and pictured the ball falling cleanly into the hole.

"So, can we just break up already?"

Chris's voice was too close, that was all Justin could think as he swung, his ball going very wide and nearly rolling down the cactus-dotted bluff. He turned around and glared at Chris.

"Oh. Sorry." Chris looked over at Justin's ball and then back at Justin, his face smooth and unreadable. 

"Did you actually want an answer to that or were you just trying to fuck up my score?" Justin clenched his hand around the putter, his skin damp against his leather glove.

Chris shrugged. "Both?"

Justin nodded. "Yeah." He walked over to his ball and it took him two tries to get it in. "Fucker." He nodded at Chris's ball.

Chris hesitated, but finally walked over to the ball and made the putt. "Par."

"Fine." Justin looked at the scorecard in his hand, marked off the hole and retrieved their balls. He started walking to the cart. "You want to break up." It wasn't a question, but Justin really wanted it to be.

Chris kept pace with Justin. "We're already broken up. We've been broken up since February. Can't we just actually say the words and like, be normal?"

Justin chewed his lip. This was not the way he'd planned things. "We were taking a break. Because we were going to be apart for all that time. It wasn't lik--"

"Did you sleep with other people? Christina's dancer, Cameron Diaz, maybe?" Chris shoved his putter into his golf bag in the back of the cart. 

Justin hovered outside, watched Chris climb into the passenger seat and shuffled his feet. He didn't know how he was supposed to answer.

Chris sighed. "J, get in?" Justin stepped into the cart and headed to the next hole. "I know you did. Me too." Just looked over, startled and the cart rumbled over a bump. Justin's head bobbled around as he turned back to look in front of him. "Not Cameron, but. You know. People."

Justin swallowed and steered the cart around a curve. "Okay." He swallowed again. "But, that's fine. We said we were going to. We were on a break." Justin tried to smile when he said it.

"Have you even seen that show? 'Cause you keep saying it all Ross and Rachel, but I know you never watch tv." Chris wasn't looking at him. Justin stopped the cart smoothly, but he didn't get out. "Or is it just something you heard Lance say?"

"I saw it, once. On the bus. Jennifer Aniston's hot." Justin closed his eyes. That probably wasn't the right thing to say. He couldn't quite express how much he hated that he was suddenly worrying about the right thing to say. With Chris everything was supposed to be the right thing.

Chris laughed, though. "Too bad she's married, huh?" Justin didn't answer. "J. I just. We're on this trip and it's fun and we're still friends. You proved everything you wanted to prove. We're gonna be friends, I'm not letting go. I just want to not--" 

Chris stopped and Justin looked over at him, studied his profile, remembered how this was supposed to go. But, it was supposed to just go that way, it was supposed to be all smooth curves and easy laughter and now it wasn't. Now it was all confusion and hard work and paths that he hadn't mapped. Justin couldn't breathe, maybe, but then they were up really high. Thinner air.

Chris turned and looked at him. "I'm sorry. You wanna just finish the game and talk about this later?"

Justin shrugged. "If that's what you want." He got out of the cart, chose a club and went to tee off, Chris following not too closely behind.

**

**mile one thousand three hundred fifteen. still**

Chris didn't even know what he wanted anymore. He had decided, lying in bed next to some friend of Lance's, that a break was stupid and that Justin was trying to spare his feelings, do things in stages. And mostly, he had realized while walking the guy to the door and not giving him his number, Chris was really sick of that stage. So, when Justin had proposed the road trip it had seemed like it was finally time to, well, to take it to the next level.

But now, Justin hadn't really talked since they'd gotten back from the golf course. They'd had a late dinner and Justin had turned about three shades of green at the mention of alcohol, so they'd just gone back to the hotel room. The cable in Santa Fe was better and they'd settled on _The Bourne Identity_ on HBO. Matt Damon was running from an explosion or something, but Chris was really just watching Justin.

He was propped up against the headboard of his bed, his legs pulled up to his chest and every once in awhile he'd shift and Chris could hear his track pants rustle against the scratchy comforter. He seemed to be watching the movie, but his eyes were glazed and his fingers kept tracing patterns over his neck, reaching for curls that hadn't been there in a long while.

When the movie ended, Justin watched the ad for _Sex and the City_. One of the girls that wasn't Kim Catrall was talking about blowjobs.

"Okay." Justin turned and looked over at Chris. "So, we're broken up. But," Justin inhaled sharply. "But we're all good, friends and you know?"

"Yes." Chris's throat was completely dry and he tasted mint and metal, but he knew the dangers of hesitating. "Yes, always man. No one else is gonna eat my famous tequila floats, right?"

Justin smiled for just a second. "No, I'd hope not." He scratched his neck and Chris could see the three red lines he left behind. Justin nodded, his mouth a straight line again. "Okay."

The next show was starting, something about college co-eds and Chris turned to look at the screen. When he turned back, Justin was pushing down the blankets and sliding underneath them. 

"I hate how tight they tuck those sheets in." Chris lifted the corner of his sheet which he'd already pulled out from under the mattress.

"I know," Justin said. He left his sheets tucked in though and looked over at Chris. "We should get an early start tomorrow if we want to get all the way to Vegas."

"Vegas, baby." Even Chris didn't think he sounded very excited, but Justin chuckled and nodded.

"You can leave the tv on, though. I can sleep." Justin rolled over, curled up tight on his side, his back to Chris. "Night."

Chris stared at Justin's shoulders and thought maybe they were shaking a little. He told himself was imagining things. "Night." He watched the girl on screen get her nipple pierced and fell asleep sitting up.

** 

**mile one thousand five hundred thirteen**

Every Target everywhere looked exactly the same, the items lined up in the same general order, neat straight aisles full of everything the modern American family needed. Justin turned from the electronics section and there was the sporting goods. He could see toys just a few rows away. He wandered through, picking up a basketball and bouncing it four times before putting it back. He rearranged some golf balls that weren't in the right places and grabbed a cheap putter, running his hands over it, but not actually picking it up. He skipped toys, walking quickly past because he thought he saw Chris bent over looking at something.

Justin ducked into health and beauty, leaned against the shelves and called his mother from the toothpaste aisle.

"Morning baby." Lynn's voice was loud over what sounded like running water, but when Justin didn't answer right away he heard the water stop. "What's the matter?"

"Are you doing dishes?" Justin wrapped his fingers around the metal shelf and flexed the muscles in his forearm.

"I was watering the garden." Lynn paused and Justin licked his lip. "Honey?"

"So, we broke up." Justin didn't like saying it aloud, so he'd been trying to do it a lot. He's always figured that the only way to adjust to things you didn't like was just to do it over and over until you didn't care so much anymore. "Chris and I." In case she thought he meant something else. Justin shook his head.

"I don't--" He heard his mom swallow, understood her confusion. "Did you talk to him?"

Justin let go of the shelf and turned around to contemplate all the different kinds of toothpaste. Whitening and tartar control and all-natural. He sighed. "I didn't really get a chance. He wanted to break up. And, I'm not gonna force anything."

Justin got it now. Chris didn't see the trip like Justin wanted, as a chance to spend time together and ease back into their relationship. Chris thought they were making sure they could still be friends so that they could break up without too much angst. And Chris was happy about that; he wanted it. He tried to explain it to his mom, but she still seemed confused.

"He said that? That he wanted to break up with you?"

"Well, I didn't suggest it, Mom." Justin's voice was sharp and he took a breath. It wasn't worth it to take things out on her. He thought for a second, glancing down at the colored mouthwash on the next shelf. "It's like. I should have realized it sooner. It's Chris, you know?"

"You guys always understand each other."

"Yeah, so is it because I spent so much time away from him or maybe I just purposely didn't see what Chris was thinking because it wasn't what I wanted? 'Cause you know, I do that."

Lynn agreed, maybe too quickly and Justin cracked his knuckles against his thigh. 

The thing was, either way, Justin recognized it now, how he hadn't seen what Chris was thinking. It was like a long sharp blank space where Chris's thoughts usually were in Justin's head and that was what had felt off-kilter the last few days. It wasn't blank anymore, it just hurt.

His mom was still talking as Justin picked up a box of Colgate that was both whitening and "total". He stared at it and grabbed another box that was natural and cinnamon flavored. He held onto them both and nodded at his mother's comforting voice, although he didn't know what she was saying.

"It's okay, Mama. I mean. It's not. It hurts like fuck, but." Justin put the Colgate back and picked up another all-natural, this one apricot flavored. Chris didn't like cinnamon. "I'll deal. We'll still be friends and I fucked up so I just have to deal."

Justin picked up the Colgate again, but the gel instead of the paste, and started out of the aisle. He walked towards the cashiers and smiled into his phone at his mother's attempts at a joke. He saw Chris waiting in front of a register, letting people go ahead of him and glancing around. Justin quickened his step and started saying good-bye. He was almost right next to Chris before he noticed.

"Love you. Go back to the garden."

"Love you, honey. Call me whenever you need to."

"Will do. Bye." Justin flipped his phone shut and looked at Chris. "Mom."

Chris nodded, opened his mouth then closed it again. Justin dug his fingernails into his palm.

"Did you get what you needed?" Justin stepped in front of Chris and dropped his three boxes of toothpaste on the conveyor belt. Justin didn't need to look up to know that Chris thought that was weird, but wasn't going to comment. Instead, Justin watched as Chris pulled a package of boxers out of his basket and set them next to the toothpaste.

"Yeah. Underwear crisis solved." Chris dropped a couple t-shirts, red and orange, next to the underwear and then two toys in plastic packaging. "And dude, did you know they brought back Transformers? The silver thing's yours."

Justin picked up the box and looked at it, turning it around and reading the details. "Heroic SUV turns into a robot." Justin smiled back at Chris and it hurt a little around the edges.

"I thought it looked kind of like the reconfigurable monstrosity out front."

Justin nodded and handed it to the bored-looking teenager to ring up. Justin passed him a credit card and the guy blinked at it and then looked back up at Justin, squinting a little. 

Chris leaned forward. "Shhh…" He shook his head from side to side and gave the clerk a conspiratorial wink.

As they waited for the credit card to be approved the clerk looked around and then leaned closer to Justin. Justin saw Dre move a step closer from where he was waiting by the gumball machines. Justin grinned and tilted his head.

"My girlfriend loves you." Justin nodded, already reaching for the pen attached to the counter with a green spiral cord. "Would you, um?"

"Of course. What's her name?"

Chris was laughing behind him as Justin signed the back of a March of Dimes donantion form for Teresa. Justin kicked his foot out until it tapped against Chris's shin.

"Ow, fuck." Justin looked up innocently as he handed the clerk the signed credit card slip and Chris scowled. "See if I buy you anymore toys."

Justin held up the reciept and his card, but Chris just shrugged. Justin smiled again and headed out of the store. Chris bumped into him when he stopped to wait for a truck to pull out of its space and Justin's back seemed to sting as he settled into the car. But he smiled one more time anyway, whispering "broken up" as Chris walked around to the driver's seat.

**

**mile one thousand six hundred two**

Justin fell asleep twenty minutes after they'd left Target and Chris hummed along to N.E.R.D. on the stereo instead of changing it. He watched Justin out of the corner of his eye, fascinated, as if he'd never seen him before. He shifted, slipping lower in the seat, his head pressing into his palm. He looked small, skinnier of course, after a tour, but something else. Chris looked away.

He'd spent the last two months wanting to get the break up over with, but he hadn't really thought about how it would feel. He'd expected it to hurt, but he'd figured something like a more intense version of the dull ache he'd had ever since Justin said, "it's just, I'm not going to be around and I don't want you to resent me or--" and Chris had quickly agreed. Instead, it was sharp and twisting somewhere below his ribs and Chris wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Because what he realized, watching Justin sleep, was that Chris was the one who broke up with Justin.

Chris had thought Justin wanted it. It had just seemed like typical Justin guilt, trying to spare everyone and make sure everything ended okay. The road trip, Chris figured it came out of a book. "How to Break Up for Emotionally Well-Adjusted Popstars" or something. But, watching him this morning and yesterday, Chris understood now that it wasn't like that, that he hadn't been seeing anything right. He was starting to think Justin hadn't been trying to dump him at all and that Chris had just let himself get all wrapped up in being bitter. He sighed and Justin stirred next to him. Now, it was too late to fix things, too late to go back and Chris felt like an ass. He was hurt, which he'd been prepared for, but Justin seemed pretty bad off, too and that was unexpected and only made Chris feel worse. 

"To the point that no one…even believe…existed," Justin sang indistictly along with the radio and Chris turned to look. But he was still asleep, his head pressed against the leather seat and his lips moving slowly. "And the man brought the green one."

Chris laughed because that wasn't even a lyric and then stopped because he'd forgotten that Justin sometimes talked in his sleep. He turned down the music and waited, but Justin didn't say anything else until he blinked awake and yawned.

"Dude, you shouldn't've let me sleep." Justin stretched, legs out and arms up over his head.

"It's fine, it wasn't that long. I can entertain myself, you know." Chris watched Justin pull his feet out of his sneakers and up onto the dashboard. "Besides, you were chatting away."

Justin closed his eyes and then opened them again. "Was I? Damn." Justin looked at Chris and then back out the window. "Did I say anything incriminating?"

"You've always secretly think Lance is an idiot and your mother's really an alien." Chris glanced over at Justin and raised an eyebrow. "Also, you hated _Crossroads_."

Justin snorted. "That's not incriminating. Everyone hated that movie. Except, apparently you." Justin dug through a paper bag on the floor and pulled out the second box of Hot Tamales. He opened them and dropped three into his mouth. "No, seriously, what is the deal with you and that movie? At least I had to watch it."

"Oh right, because I didn't? I believe there was a long speech about sincerity and how she'd know if we didn't watch it. You also made us all say we liked it." Chris passed a station wagon and watched Justin pull faces at the little boy looking up at them. Chris smiled.

"Okay, yeah. Really, if I wanted y'all to sound sincere I should have insisted that you not watch it before talking to her." Justin sucked a candy into his mouth slowly with a small slurping sound. "Still, you've clearly seen it more than once."

Chris sighed. He'd seen it a few times, it was true. "I don't know, man. Your ex is hot. And you left that copy at my place in Orlando."

Justin wrinkled his brow. "Yeah? I don't remember."

Justin had left an entire brown cardboard box labeled "fuck off bitch" at Chris's house in Orlando. _Crossroads_ was buried underneath all of Britney's cds, some clothes and about twelve different issues of _US_ , which Justin seemed to collect instead of real photos. Chris had decided not to worry about that and saved the dvd before tossing the whole box in the attic.

"The fuck off bitch box." Chris held out his hand and Justin dropped a few pieces of candy on his palm, eyebrow raised.

"Right. Weren't you supposed to throw all that stuff away?" Justin watched as Chris tossed the candy into his mouth, grimacing a little.

Chris wrinkled his nose and swallowed quickly. "I saved it. I don't think I really believed you'd stay broken up." Chris wasn't sure what kind of response he was looking for, but he knew that was a loaded comment.

Justin shifted in his seat and stared out the window. Chris pulled bits of sticky cinnamon goo from his teeth. What Justin finally said was, "dude, did we stop for gas while I was sleeping?"

Chris shook his head and passed the same station wagon again. The little boy stuck his tongue out and Justin did the same back.

"We didn't?" Justin asked when he turned back. Chris shook his head again and braced himself. "Chris, for fuck's sake, we have to. It's been hours. What the hell are you thinking?"

Chris looked at the contol panels. "The light's not on yet."

"But it's on E."

"I'm pretty sure your fancy truck can run on E for awhile." Chris tightened his grip on the wheel and stared straight ahead. "I've done it in much shittier cars." 

"Chris, it's not good for the damn engine to run it like this." Justin twisted around in his seat and he looked so concerned Chris had to bite back a smile.

"I just figured we could make better time." Justin's sigh was louder than the music and Chris couldn't help laughing. "Fine, fine. I'll pull off at the next exit."

The cd ended and Justin grabbed the book to pick something else. "Any requests?" Justin glanced at the gas gauge instead of looking at Chris.

Chris shrugged as he changed lanes and headed toward the exit ramp. "Eminem?"

Justin nodded. "Yeah, perfect. I'm driving after we get gas."

Chris thought that Justin wasn't driving to rap anymore, but he didn't say anything, just pulled into the station and hopped out. "Whatever." 

He watched Justin's reflection in the rearview mirror as he pumped gas. Justin was muttering to himself, but Chris couldn't quite make out what he was saying. He inhaled too deeply, the scent of gas making him choke and he blinked rapidly, Justin flickering in his field of vision. Chris had no idea if that was supposed to mean something, so he just waited for the tank to fill.

**

**mile one thousand nine hundred fifty**

Justin bounced on his heels as the elevator slowly headed to the lobby. He fingered the keycard in his pocket and smiled at Dre's reflection in the mirrored wall.

"I fucking love this place," Justin said as he stepped out of the elevator and into the casino. The music and the clang of slots and the constant blend of voices flowed over Justin and he looked around, not sure where to go first. His gaze settled on Chris.

"Black jack?" Chris turned and lead the way to a table in the back. 

Justin followed. There were only a few people there, none of the ones that looked dishelved and desperate, the ones that sometimes made Justin a little depressed, reminded him of something from childhood that he couldn't place. Justin figured it was probably VIP, but he didn't ask. The dealer was a hot young guy who grinned broadly when Justin sat down. A second later there was a waitress with a Jack and Coke for Justin and a beer for Chris. Chris always picked the right table.

They played for awhile, going up and down too fast for Justin to really keep track. He looked around at one point, seeing tables further away where there were more people who were concentrating harder. He wasn't sure he'd like gambling so much if he had to care about the money.

"Dude, you want a card or not?" Chris nudged his elbow and nodded at the dealer who was still smiling.

Justin shook his head and went back to the game. When they finally stood up, Chris was up a lot and Justin was down a little and they'd both put away several drinks. Justin nodded at the bathroom and Mike followed him there, checking the room and then waiting just outside the door.

The tiles in the bathroom was sparkling, the mirror too and Justin grinned at himself as he walked past. He bent to wash his hands and rejoined Mike outside.

"Pharrell's here."

Justin looked around. "Yeah?"

Mike nodded, tipped his head to the right. "Private party in the back. He and some chick just walked by, said you should find him."

Justin grinned. "Absolutely." He wandered over, flashing a smile at the guy at the door, who only paused a second before letting him pass. Inside the music was loud, 50 Cent and Justin listened for a minute, scanning the room. He saw bodies everywhere, dancing and talking, some people he recognized and some he didn't. Moving off to the side, Justin kept looking around, waving at Kelly Rowland and then someone he thought he'd met when he was working with Diddy, but he couldn't see Pharrell anywhere. 

He was thinking about making a circle of the room, trying to decide if he could do it without having to talk to too many people and thinking maybe he should just leave, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned. "Pharrell, dude. There you are." Justin leaned in to give Pharrell a hug. "What's up?"

"Chillin'. Jay's thing," Pharrell gestured to indicate the party going on around them. "For Beyonce. It's sorta work." He rubbed at a small bruise on his neck.

"Work, right. It's always work." Justin laughed and he could taste the whiskey on his tongue.

"At least it's fun, yo. Pretty girls and all." Pharrell leaned on the unused bar behind him and Justin wondered if there'd be a wet spot on the back of his shirt. "What you up to?"

"Tour's over. I'm headed home with Chris. We were sick as fuck of driving through the middle of America, so we just decided to head straight here."

"Cool. You guys all tight and shit again?" Pharrell looked skinnier than the last time Justin had seen him, but it might just be that he wasn't wearing a hat. "J?"

Justin shrugged. "We broke up." He was kind of whispering, but it was almost at the point where the words slid out of his mouth without any problem, like they were covered in olive oil. He tried not to notice Pharrell's frown. "I guess, actually, he broke up with me." Justin shrugged again and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"For real? I never thought--" Pharrell moved forward and tapped Justin's fist. "Sorry, man."

"Yeah, well. Clearly I wasn't paying attention or I wouldn't have fucked it up." Pharrell didn't nod and Justin appreciated that. Justin coughed. "So, the new album's great. I heard 'Frontin'' in some club in Denver the other night."

"Nice. I'm happy with it." Pharrell looked over his shoulder and then back, a half-smile on his face. "So, um. You guys gonna call us about some NSYNC tracks?" 

There was an odd note of tension in the air and Justin remembered this from the post-Britney days. No one liked a broken heart. He tried grinning and it felt okay. "No question. JC said something about it the other day. At least one, and I know I've got some ideas."

"A'right." Pharrell took a step forward and wrapped Justin in a hug again. "I gotta get back, man. But call me. It's been too long. And stay cool."

Justin nodded. "You too, man." He followed Pharrell, looking at the back of his red shirt. There wasn't any water that Justin could see. At the door, he said goodbye and in just a second Pharrell was lost to the party again. Justin nodded at Mike who was talking to one of Beyonce's guards and they headed back into the casino.

Justin found Chris playing roulette and stood behind him, just breathing.

"Where you been?" Chris nodded at a glass next to his beer. "I got you another drink."

"I ran into Pharrell." Justin picked up the glass and sipped slowly, watching the wheel spin until it stopped on red nine. Chris lost and sighed, pushing away from the table and walking to a small corner to lean against the wall. 

Justin followed. "He was surprised we broke up."

Chris spun around and blinked. "You told him."

"He asked." Justin took another sip. "Or, he asked how we were. So, yeah." Justin's head ached and he wondered if it was the alcohol or the long drive. He looked up. Or maybe the florescent lights. "It's weird, you know."

Chris was staring at Justin when he looked back down. "Breaking up?"

"Casinos." Justin waved at the room and a little bit of liquid fell onto his hand. He went to lick it off, but stopped and shook his head. "You know, there're no windows or clocks and all these bright lights. So that you lose all sense of time and reality and just hang out tossing down money. It's weird."

Chris looked around and then glanced at his watch. "We've been here for five hours."

"See?" Justin looked at his watch, too. He hadn't realized how late it was. "For all we know it's like, a tornado out there. It's an alternate reality inside these places." He paused, looked down at his sneaker and then back up. "Breaking up, too."

Chris sighed and looked around. "Wanna find out?" He finished his beer and handed it to a waitress who was passing by. She smiled and he slipped her some money as well.

Justin blinked. "If there's a tornado?"

Chris nodded. "Yeah."

Justin shrugged and followed Chris, setting his empty glass down on a slot machine as they passed a row of them. They found an exit in the back that lead into a parking area. They still weren't really outside, so Justin spun in a circle and lead Chris to the left. 

Behind all the parked cars, it was not quite dark in that neon glow way that all cities have and it only added to Justin's sense of being outside time. When Justin stepped from under the concrete roof, there was water falling on his scalp and he held his hands up to catch it.

"It's raining." Chris turned and stared up at a streetlight where the rain was visible against the sky.

"Not quite a tornado, but it still kinda proves my point." Justin backed up a little, but not quite under the overhang. The water was warm and his thin cotton shirt was sticking to his shoulders.

Chris didn't say anything, just tipped his head up and let the water run over his face. 

Justin laughed. "I'm sure that rain's fucking poisonous and shit."

Chris laughed and made a show of licking his lips before looking over at Justin. "So if I kissed you, it'd be like attempted murder?"

Justin back tensed and he opened his mouth. "We broke up." He didn't even have to try this time.

"And it's weird." Chris took two steps closer, but there was still a sheet of rain between them. Justin nodded. "Weird because you didn't want to."

Justin shrugged. "I wanted the break. It was selfish. I get that."

Chris shook his head. "Maybe it was, but I was fine with it until--" Chris paused and Justin bit his lip, standing completely still, not sure what to feel. "You remember when you called from Texas? And I'd seen _Charlie's Angels_ and when I mentioned Cameron, there was like, a weird silence. And it wasn't that you slept with her, because I didn't care. I think I'd slept with some club kid two nights before."

Justin laughed, a few quiet giggles and he choked them back with his hand, rubbing water into his skin. Chris raised an eyebrow and waited.

"But, it was weird. And that was-- Before we were dating and all during and even when we were," Chris made quotes in the air with his fingers. "On a break, it wasn't ever weird."

Justin nodded, swallowed air. "It shouldn't be. I don't remember that call exactly, but. Yeah, I think it was all weird. I missed you."

Chris smiled and nodded. "Yeah. I get that now. But, you know. I didn't then. I thought you'd break up with me at Challenge and you didn't and I just started to twitch, man. I wanted things to happen so that weirdness would be over."

Justin inhaled. "It's still weird."

"I noticed." Chris nodded. "Pharrell noticed and he didn't even see me." 

Chris held his hand out and rubbed his wet fingers together. Justin wondered if the skin would be all wrinkled and rough. He reached forward, pausing just before he touched Chris's hand. Chris looked at Justin's hand and closed his eyes. 

"So, if I changed my mind and I just wanted to fuck up your shot back in Santa Fe." Chris looked at Justin, half smiling, with water dripping from his hair. "Is that weird?"

Justin grinned and there was water on his teeth as he took the two steps to Chris. "Yeah." He pulled on Chris's fingers, opening his hand, and it was still smooth. "But, normal weird. You weird." Justin closed his hand around Chris's. "Us weird."

Chris laughed and bumped his hip against Justin's. "You're weirder than me." They stood there, their clothes getting soggy and Justin could hear Dre and Mike laughing back in the carpark.

"I always knew none of them had the good sense to come in out of the rain."

Chris looked over in the direction of Dre's voice. "Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" Dre just laughed and Chris turned to Justin. "Man has a point."

Justin nodded. "We should maybe go in. Get out of these wet clothes?"

Chris leered and nodded. Justin turned and followed the bodyguards to the private elevator. He leaned against Chris inside, damp cloth sticking together and Justin's sneakers making wet noises on the carpet. He didn't look down, though, just stared at his reflection and laced his fingers with Chris's as he felt the elevator jump to a start beneath their feet.

"See?" Chris's breath was warm on Justin's neck. "Everyone learned their lesson, romance won out in the end and I didn't even have to have a miscarriage."

Justin shook his head, water falling onto his shoulders and Chris's face. "Well, who knows what'll happen by the time we actually get to L.A."

Chris grinned and bit at Justin's neck, lightening fast, before pulling back and resting his head against the wall. Justin's skin tingled and he shivered. "Road trips, man. Mystery and romance. This was a good idea, I'm glad I decided to do it."

Justin rolled his eyes and waited for the elevator doors to open, Chris warm and wet against his back. It was definitely a good idea.

**

**mile one thousand nine hundred fifty. still**

Chris waved to Dre and Mike and pushed Justin into the hotel room, laughing against his neck. He wasn't sure if this was happening, but he'd only had three beers all night, so he figured it was. Still, there was no need to risk waiting. He slammed the door and pulled off his wet shirt. Justin sat on the bed, laughing.

"Dude, calm down." Justin bent and untied his sneakers before pulling them off. 

Chris stared, Justin's t-shirt was wet in some places and clinging to his body. Chris wanted it off. He had memories of what Justin's skin was like and wanted to know if it was the same. He walked over and waited for Justin to sit up, then spread his legs and straddled Justin's lap.

Justin smiled up and leaned in, kissing Chris's chest, three soft brushes of Justin's lips marking a small triangle. Chris rested his hands on Justin's shoulders and Justin slid back until there was room for Chris to kneel on the bed, one knee between Justin's legs. Justin lifted his arms just as Chris reached for the hem of his shirt and Chris grinned as he pulled it off and tossed it on the floor.

"Don't throw my shit." Justin spread himself backwards on the bed and pulled Chris on top of him.

"It was already wet." Chris shimmied against Justin and smoothed his tongue over Justin's neck, from his shoulder to just below his ear and laughed when Justin moaned a little. That, he remembered. "I'll get you a new one." Chris scraped his teeth over the skin and Justin shivered. "Just shut up, okay?"

Justin tipped his head back, exposing more skin and Chris kissed his way up over Justin's jaw until their lips pressed together. Justin murmmured something, breath quick against Chris's mouth, and it didn't even matter what he was saying.

Chris ran his hands between their bodies, pinching a nipple and getting a tiny bite at his lip in return. Justin's abs flowed under Chris's palm and he paused to bend his fingers and slide in and out of the ridges there, following them down to the waistband of Justin's jeans. He snaked one hand inside, plenty of space in the baggy pants and used the other to unbutton them. He scraped his arm when he pulled down the zipper, swearing into Justin's mouth.

Justin shoved Chris to the side and thrust up against Chris's hand. Chris rolled over onto his side, rubbing through the cotton of Justin's boxer-briefs and watched as Justin kicked the jeans to the floor.

"Don't throw your shit." Chris moved his hand and let Justin strip off his underwear, his legs in the air and bent at the knees, his back arched a little.

"Fuck off and take off your pants." Justin turned over and crawled up the bed, looking over his shoulder to make sure Chris was doing as he was told.

Chris was. He stood and stripped, started to get back on the bed and then paused.

Justin grinned. "The Nike bag. The leather case inside."

Chris dug through Justin's bag until he found the case. He threw it at Justin and went back to the bed, sitting down to watch Justin pull out the condoms and lube. He was facing Justin, their legs pressing together. Justin put the case on the nightstand and smiled. Chris inhaled and watched.

"So, we're really good? Just like that?"

Justin frowned, his fingers curling around the tube in his hand. "Yeah?"

Chris put his hand on Justin's thigh, tapping his fingers. "I just-- I dumped you."

Justin shook his head. "You didn't, remember? You took it back."

"Yeah, J, it's not like I called your mom a bitch," Justin sighed and Chris laughed. "Or said your favorite sneakers were ugly. We're not in junior high."

"Did you tell anyone? Lance or C or Joey?" Chris shook his head. "Well, my mom, who isn't a bitch, doesn't count and Pharrell--" Justin shrugged. "I'll tell him he misunderstood."

"So if we don't tell anyone, it's not real?" Chris thought of those issues of _US_ in his attic. "I think that should worry me."

Justin picked up Chris's hand and slipped his fingers between Chris's. "Come on. I didn't want to break up and now we're not breaking up. Am I supposed to be all torn up about it?"

Chris rolled his eyes. He kind of thought yes, they should be torn up about it, but maybe he'd just spent to much time preparing for angst that he didn't know how to do this without it. He should just shut up and have sex. "So, the break? It's over."

Justin's eyes got wide and he wrinkled his nose. "God, yes. Yes yes yes." He collapsed back and covered his face with a pillow. "Stupidest idea I ever had."

Chris watched Justin and laughed, pulling his hand away to wrap around Justin's cock. "Oh, come on." Justin thrust and slid the lube down the bed to Chris. He opened it, covering his fingers. "You got to fuck Cameron Diaz. It can't be that stupid."

Justin peeked out around the red fabric, rolling his eyes. "I did." He raised an eyebrow. "And it was great." Chris moved his fingers down and under Justin's body. Justin tensed, his body taut under smooth skin. "But--" Chris circled and moved inside, everything just familiar enough to be better than he remembered. Justin inhaled, his teeth pushing hard into his lower lip. 

Two of Chris's fingers in him and Justin's fingers wrapped around the wrist of Chris's other hand, pressing into the skin, maybe even leaving marks. Eventually, Chris pulled out again, shifting to slip the condom on.

Justin opened his mouth and closed it again twice before any words came out. "But, Cameron and whoever, it wasn't worth it if you'd really dumped me." He panted, breath between the words heavy and fast.

"That might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." Chris bent forward and licked the indentations in Justin's lip. "Even if you're lying." 

Chris laughed and didn't let Justin protest, kissing him once, quickly, before aligning their bodies and slid his hips forward, just the right amount of pressure to make Justin gasp. The rain pounding against the windows and Justin's ragged voice were all Chris could hear as Justin's body shook and twisted underneath him and Chris didn't bother to memorize any of it.


End file.
